Gizzajob

Fuck it, it's worth a try.

2006-09-13T01:41:00.000+09:00

In the highly unlikely event of anyone ever reading this blog and wondering what happened next well, I'm still in a job, but more importantly I have a new blog at http://tokyo-music.blogspot.com and it's perhaps of wider interest than this one. Same shite writing style though.

The End

2005-08-23T18:29:00.000+09:00

Koizumi has called a snap general election in Japan, the Iraqi constitution is nearly written (that's one more than we have in the UK - I think we are just supposed to trust our politicians), and Hearts have managed a 100% start to the season. All surprising and momentous in their own way, and today one more can be added. I have finally managed to fool someone into giving me a job. Hah! I start on September 1st, the conditions look really good, and I have more freedom than I've ever had in a job before. Hallelujah, praise be, thank fuck, etc etc.

So, predictable title in place, apocalyptic helicopter blades churning over head, and Jim Morrison wittering away in the background. This blog is no more after today. The premise behind it is gone, I have made my contribution to the multitude of words floating about in the world today. I may start another blog, I may not. Thank you to anyone who read this. See you in the next one.

Wasted

2005-08-20T19:14:00.000+09:00

Job classifieds have the same pitfalls as personals. The S in SWM is usually there for a good reason, and anyone that describes themselves as 'vivacious, beautiful, with GSOH' should be out there displaying these attributes rather than staking their chances on finding someone who isn't just after a quick knee trembler in a pub car park. This is the ad I replied to that led to today's interview:

English teacher and Japanese bilingual counsellor wanted to teach English in Kichijoji, Shibuya and Jiyugaoka. Base salary is 230,000-280,000 yen/month.

Doesn't sound too bad, does it? Kichijoji and Jiyugaoka are little enclaves of cool independent stores, and Shibuya is the capital of mainstream youth culture in Japan (and also the place to go if you need chemical pick me ups, apparently). The lowest band of the salary isn't great but I thought with my experience I'd hopefully be looking a bit further up the scale. The cover letter and CV were mailed, the interview was set up, and off I went.

Usually when you apply for a job the ad just gives you the rough details. Internet ads can give you more info regarding holidays, schedules, etc, but when it's costing you per word you keep it short. That's usually fine. Unfortunately, the info above was pretty much all my 'interviewer' was able to give me. The interview lasted all of fifteen minutes, most of which was taken up by him talking about himself. He probably puts personal ads in magazines and responds to them himself so he can find the only other person who would want to spend time with him. I asked about a typical schedule - "Ah, it's flexible." What about days off? - "Eight a month, but not set. You could work up to nine days straight." Gulp. Salary? - "Starts at two hundred and thirty thou and could go up if your students like you." Holidays? - "I don't know. I haven't had any since I started in February."

I think my face must have given me away as by the time I got home an hour or so later they had emailed me to tell me they were unable to shaft me... sorry, offer me a position at this time. It's the first time I've smiled on receipt of one of those mails.

It really really could happen.

2005-08-19T22:43:00.000+09:00

The reason behind the delay in posts is that my mind has been trying to adapt itself to an unheard of feeling. Optimism stalks Jarvie-land like idiocy stalks Dubya every time he opens his gob and spouts forth (oooh, politics, how dangerous). I have had two more interviews in the last two days and they both seemed to go really well. Both interviewers have said that they were impressed with me and they thought I would do well in their respective companies. I am, of course, taking this with an amount of salt that isn't so much a pinch, as a fully blown case of sexual harrassment (before any pc baw bags get on to me (if there are even any reading this(brackets in brackets in brackets, how daring)) I am not making a mockery of sexual harrassment - it's called humour, try and fucking rediscover a sense of it you miserable cunts). As I have said many times many ways, we'll see what happens.

Optimistic

2005-08-15T08:03:00.000+09:00

I have calmed down somewhat since the rant of this morning. Perhaps writing posts straight after getting bad news on a Sunday morning is not the way to go. The title of this post may be 'Optimistic' but I'm not sure how sanguine I actually feel. It's eight in the morning and I have been to bed for an hour, before getting up to watch the final round of the USPGA golf. It's been delayed because of bad weather and I find myself at a loose end. My supply of chu-hi is almost done but I have found a story I probably would not have read. Those of you who have 'friends' with premature ejaculation problems, point them in this direction. It might be complete bollocks written by a chauvinist trying to reassure his underperforming mates, but it made me smile (and anyone who knows me will tell you that takes some doing).
As I am writing this I realise it is neither particularly optimistic, nor really related to my ongoing search for work. It's more of a ramble, but what the fuck do you expect at this time of the morning? The golf's delayed, I'm almost out of booze, and my bum is really numb from the crappy seat I am sitting in. The title was a lie, a pretence used to draw unsuspecting folk in.
I'm swithering whether to make a trip to the 7-11. It depends if the golf is going to start soon. This is nothing to do with the premiss behind my blog. Time to go.

This Is A Low

2005-08-14T13:12:00.000+09:00

Not too happy today. Interview number nineteen or twenty (I forget which one exactly, they are all becoming one amorphous blob of platitudes and fake smiles) ended in more failure. I should be used to this but this one particularly rankled as it was basically my old job. The company I used to work for had some franchise schools as well as the company-owned ones. The interview I had the other day was at a school which used to be a franchise school but had gone completely solo, changing its name, basically striking out on it's own. The name change was the only big difference - the same textbooks were still in use, the classrooms looked much the same, and the teaching styles and lessons were exactly the same. I didn't get the job. I still can't believe it. Some of the jobs I have applied for have been quite different to what I am used to but this wasn't - this was an almost exact replica of the job I did for two and a half years. What the fuck am I supposed to do to get a job? This is turning into a rant and that's just going to be boring so I'll stop there and go away and calm down. Anyway, I can't type fast enough to rant online.

First Day On A Brand New Planet

2005-08-11T13:43:00.000+09:00

Fireworks on Saturday, hangover on Sunday, job interview on Monday, private student on Tuesday, job interview yesterday, first day of part-time job today. The condensed version of the past few days events.
Monday's job interview - seemed to go really well, to the extent that the school owner told me I was 'close to getting the job'. However, no breath is being held as already this year I have been told that I was the best candidate for a job after everyone had been interviewed, yet I still got the usual email that began 'I regret to inform you that you are in fact pish.' So, caution is very much being protected from the wind.
Yesterday's interview - again, it seemed to go really well. I had to do a demo lesson for a group of three year olds, who were unconvincingly played by three members of the office staff (one of whom may have been twenty three, but that's as close as it got). The demo went well and left me wishing that three year olds were that easy to teach. I should find out about both these jobs over the next few days.
Part-time job starts tonight. Six students who want to learn English for business, and a teacher who has no experience in the world of business other than being told it's none of mine. What could possibly go wrong?

The Arcade Fire

2005-08-07T22:48:00.000+09:00

It was the night before the job interview and not a soul stirred. The telly was awful (a dire Japanese police drama), the air was an unwelcome blanket, and everyone's stomach was a little fragile after the excesses of the evening before. Summer is here with a vengeance and amongst other things that means it’s fireworks time. Last night was the display in the little town I live in, and it was better than most of the displays in Edinburgh or Glasgow. I’ve posted a couple of pictures. My camera has a firework mode but the quality of pics isn’t great. Anyway, you’ll get the idea. What the camera hasn’t captured though is the unending racket of policeman with tinny megaphones telling everyone where to stand. For a country that values Zen, solitude, and quiet reflection, they are a bit out of place. I know this post has bugger all to do with my ongoing search for work, but it’s nice to break things up a bit.

Call Me

2005-08-06T18:10:00.000+09:00

So, the phone interview came and went. No Sean Connery shshenanigans, just me trying to sell myself. I think it went OK, but that has become my mantra. After every interview friends ask me how it went and I invariably reply that it went OK. The truth is that I don’t really know how it went. I am crap at judging that type of thing. The one job I got was from the interview that I thought had been the worst. Other one’s that I thought had gone quite well led to nothing but the usual response (a la yesterday’s post). I’ll find out from the company next week if they want me to come for a second interview. Joy, more waiting.

In the great tradition of Japanese summer I am heading out soon to a local fireworks display. It's an excuse to eat unhealthy food and drink beer outside, which is always a good thing. I’ll take my camera and post any good pics that I take (bet you all can’t wait).

Here We Go Again.

2005-08-05T14:50:00.000+09:00

As the astute amongst you will have probably guessed, I am a frustrated writer (and a frustrating one for all those who have to sit and watch my cack-handed attempts at typing), hence the blog. However, all of this is true. I am looking for a job and I am back on the interview merry-go-round. Interviews eighteen, nineteen, and twenty have all been arranged and are awaiting me like Christians cowering in the Coliseum (if my history is wrong it’s because I had a crap teacher, and I’m too frigging lazy to check this on the internet - no bugger’s probably reading this anyway). Number eighteen is going to be a new experience for me as it’s a telephone interview. It’s tomorrow at one so I have just under twenty four hours to perfect my best Sean Connery tones. It is every Scottish man’s birthright to believe that he can sound like Big Tam; shimply by shpeaking like thish we all foolishshshshly think that we shound shuave, shophishticated, and shexy. Bollocksh. It might help me back into gainful employment though, so bugger it. I’ve tried being genki, I’ve tried sounding sincere, I’ve even said that I love teaching spoil basta… sorry, kids, with a straight face, all to no avail. I’ve got nothing to lose from sounding like the greatest spy, lover, and milkman who ever lived.

Number nineteen is on Monday at a school in Tokyo. Those fools have requested that I go in person. I think they’ve seen a photo of me so it’s their own funeral. They are looking for someone to start in the next couple of weeks so at least their decision should be quick (especially after they meet me). If I ever become an expectant father I will be able to draw on these experiences. Waiting interminably only to get the same bloody reply, couched in the same soft soap language:

Dear Mr. Jarvie, thank you for taking the time to attend an interview at our school last week. The level of the candidates was very high, and your qualifications and experience are excellent and I am sure you would be a valuable asset to any company. However, we regret to say that we cannot offer you a position at this time. We will keep your details in our database and contact you if a suitable opening arises. Good luck with your future career.

Imagine if they were honest:

Dear Mr. Jarvie, thank you for wasting both your time and our time by dragging your sorry arse to our school last week. The level of the candidates was fairly mediocre, but you stood out as an especially hopeless case. Some bugger will employ you but it certainly ain’t going to be us. We’ll keep your CV and get it out whenever we need a giggle. Good luck finding a job, you’re going to need it.

Do you think a career in human resources awaits me?

Number twenty is on Wednesday at another school in Tokyo. Worryingly, as I have applied for so many positions I can’t actually remember who or what exactly they do. I’ve checked my email and looked on the internet, but all I could find was that damn sweatyminges.org and it’s new sister site, weaponsofassdestruction.com (you’d be surprised what they can do with a fire extinguisher these days), so I am going in blind (the priests were right). Maybe that’s the best way to go.

Doc Brown

2005-08-04T21:31:00.000+09:00

The time problems have been sorted. Any posting that has some horrendous time in the morning was posted at that time. So, before you ask, yes, I am sometimes that sad.

Piece o pish.

2005-08-04T21:15:00.000+09:00

Shit, that was a lot easier than expected. It's sideways but you get the idea. Bollywood meets Walkers and kicks arse. They tasted mighty fine too, a fine companion to an early evening aperitif. BTW, I keep forgetting to change the time on this thing. I'm not that sad that I am up at 5am doing this thing, it's only 9 in the evening. Honest.

History repeating itself.

2005-08-04T20:53:00.000+09:00

Interview number eighteen has been set up. I have applied for about a dozen jobs over the last couple of days (ever since I heard back from the last lot of interviews) and the sad thing is, I can barely remember what I have applied for. I keep having to check back in my sent box and then read the web page to refresh my memory. All these English schools are becoming a huge amorphous blob and I can’t keep up with it (damn the speed of those amorphous blobs – who would have thunk that they had it in them). Worryingly enough, interview number nineteen is also in the process of being arranged. At this rate the amount of interviews I have had is long going to outstrip the number of visitors to this page. Ho hum.

However, in the meantime I have found the coolest looking crisp packet ever. I'll try and work out how to post a photo on this thing. Don't be holding your breath.

The final figures are in.

2005-08-04T17:58:00.000+09:00

OK, that’s the tedious number work done. I haven’t just spent the last hour or so drinking chu-hi and scratching my itchy bits. I’ve been doing some number crunching (when I really should be doing stomach crunching) and come up with the following stats:

Total number of interviews - 17.
Total distance travelled - 1170 miles.
Total cost - 32000 yen.

I arrived at these numbers by firstly looking through my diary to see when and where I had interviews. The distance and cost figures come from the website www.jorudan.co.jp/english/norikae/ (very handy if you are living in Japan, or are just incredibly dull).

The fact that I can do this only underlines how desperately I need a job. What the hell have I done wrong at all those interviews? Out of all of them I have managed to get one short term contract (which wasn’t renewed) and a two-evening-a-week job. If anyone knows any good websites giving advice on job interview techniques I’d certainly appreciate a kick in the right direction.

I want a job

2005-08-04T16:00:00.000+09:00

I am an English teacher in Japan. There are thousands of us here, but if you look on the internet there seem to be enough jobs to go round us all. I don't want to blow my own trumpet but I think I'm fairly good at what I do - my students seem to be happy with their lessons; I haven't knowingly had any major complaints from either students or employers (other than one about my shirt not being tucked in at the back); and I am quite confident in what I am doing. I've been doing it since 1999 (with a year break when I went back to Scotland and ended up working in a petrol station (gas station for any of my transatlantic cousins who may be reading this)), so it's not like I haven't got any experience.

I left my last company in February of this year because I had had enough of their incompetence, corner cutting, and general shiteness. Working there left a bad taste in my mouth and I felt guilty when I found out how much my students were paying to 'learn' English there. I wanted out so I got out. (I won't name any names specifically but I will say that the company's name is pretty close to how I felt working there). I had looked at the internet job sites first and there were as many English teaching jobs as porn sites. "Piece of pish" i foolishly thought, "I'll be in a new job and happy in no time." Hah. Here I am in August, sweating my sweaty bits off in the face of a ruthless Japanese summer, and I'm not much further forward than I was in the dark and chilly days of February (except that I have been driven to create a blog to vent my frustration - it'll take some of the weight off my girlfriend's shoulders). Since then I have had one three month contract at university, and I have acquired a few private students (let's hope no-one at the Japanese tax office is reading this in an attempt to improve their English). Next week I will start a part-time job, two nights a week at a multi-national company. The money's not too bad, but my monthly income is now a third of what it was. This wasn't quite what I had in mind when I haughtily handed my notice in last December, infused with the feeling that I was on the road to better things. Somethings in my life have undoubtedly improved - I finally understand how to play minesweeper (I never had one of those office jobs where you could sit and play it all the time), I know all the best porn sites on the internet (I was misdirected when looking for job sites - it's easy to mix up jobsinjapan.com with sweatyminges.org), and I can probably type a bit faster. To that impressive armoury I am now adding blogging. Surely riches await me. I'll keep you updated. First I want to go through a quick history lesson. It's going to take me some time to collate some figures (and nip out to the 7-11 for some refreshments), so I'll post it asap.